Fourth Grade - pt 4 Life Lesson Stupid Things We Do For Love

I really can't believe I haven't shared this story yet. This is quite embarrassing, but it has to be shared! I have been telling stories to people the past few weeks, and this one came to mind. It is a true representation of what kind of kid I was and what kind of mind I had.

For some reason my brother and I were at our babysitter's house. I can't recall if it was afternoon or evening, but I remember it as if it was daytime. It would be odd for us to be at our babysitter's house in the daytime, but somehow I believe that was the case. Now an even odder thing was that my girlfriend and her little brother were both at the same babysitter's house. It was a fluke, but it happened. I will say as a side note, Bobbi and Dave were amazing people and I so loved being at their house. Bobbi would crochet and Dave would usually watch TV, but they were the sweetest couple in the world!

While we were hanging out at their house, Annie and I sat on the couch. Her brother and mine just eyeballing us. Being goofy kids we were singing and bouncing and just plain having fun. It was just your typical hanging out just chilling. They had no toys or much to entertain us at their house, so we just made stuff up. I'm sure we played card games and board games to pass the time.

Well, I needed to go to the restroom and decided to take the opportunity. Bobbi and Dave had a bathroom between two little bedrooms and I went in and latched the two doors. I proceeded to take a leak and then flushed and was washing my hands. When on the counter was a bottle of old spice aftershave. Now, this was before Home Alone, so I saw it, knew what it was and was ready to use this to freshen up my smell.

I took two big splashes on my hands and smacked them around as I had seen my dad do when he was shaving. As I looked in the mirror, I made a decision. I decided that I should not put this on my face, but on my gonadular region. I still have no clue on why this made sense at the time, but it is what I did. I took both hands and rubbed them on my junk and sack. I felt a sense of accomplishment, like I was a big kid or an adult as I used this aftershave. It lasted for about ten seconds as the absolute worst sensation built up in my nether regions. It was as if a forest fire was waged in my pants and and intense burn was traveling around my balls. I was in pain. I was dancing around in the bathroom in my underwear with my shorts around my ankles and I had no clue what to do! I couldn't think. It was instinct. I dropped my drawers and started splashing water on my junk. Water puts out fire this will be great...the sensation died down...but have you ever put water over an alcohol based product? Yeah it helps for about fifteen seconds then you get the cool breeze and the burn together. So now I have a tingling sensation to go along with the burn. I've got tears running down my eyes and I am still dancing with my drawers and shorts around my ankles. I finally get a towel and start rubbing and patting the area dry. This begins to help a little. The pain is not subsiding. Every time I jump around more air catches my package and creates the breeze and burn.

Finally, I just pull up my pants and suck it up. I go to the living room, sit on the couch and start bouncing around. I can't believe I didn't pass out. I remember everyone asking what was wrong and I just told them I was on fire. Then I started singing "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. I sang that a few times and after about thirty to forty minutes, the pain had subsided enough that I could sit still.

I will never forget this day. For some reason, I decided my junk needed to smell nice. And to do this, I needed to place Old Spice Aftershave on my precious. This was a wrong move, one of many throughout my life. This one will always be remembered as the stupid things we do for love.

I hope you got a giggle out of my pain!

Fourth Grade - pt 2 Life Lesson Don't Let It Go To Your Head

I was for sure interested in the same girl from third through fifth grade. Annie was really my first long term, for sure, no doubt about it, girlfriend. We were at each other's birthday parties, hanging out on recess, and flirting at lunch. However, there were a few distractions for me during fourth grade. One you might remember, Marti the other was Kandace. It was the third and fourth grade's turn to do the Christmas play at school. I was trying out for all the parts. I usually got stuck as a narrator, because I could memorize long parts. This time, I wanted a lead roll!

I tried out for Santa, but didn't get it. I was too short. I thought I did well, but it could be that I stuck the landing on Santa's Helper...Hughie, the fat elf. I remember standing on stage with all the other kids from the two grades and trying out. Most of you won't believe this, but I was a bit of a ham. I craved attention, and was usually the class clown. I decided I really needed to land this part. So when I read the lines, I used my cute high pitched elf voice. It was perfect! They loved it. I had a major roll! I was the elf that sneaked Twinkies into the weight watchers clinic for Santa and helped bust him out.

Now, I had a huge crush on the head exercise trainer, actually a couple of the trainers, but especially the head trainer. I had now found stardom and was getting to hang out with the cool kids. How far would this take me? I also had the flirty Marti that I had a duet with at the end of the play. What would I do? Would I use my new found popularity to break the heart of Annie?

Well, as much as I flirted with Kandace and Marti, I never made a move. I was loyal and faithful to my one true love. I could not even bring myself to do more than the normal flirty banter that kids don't even realize they do. I was hooked, hooked on Annie.

I have realized though how fame and fortune can destroy a man. Success is a dangerous thing, and it can tare you up. It breaks up relationships, love, friendship, and families. It hardens your heart and destroys you a little bit at a time. I admire those folks who can keep it together and have success. I held strong and made a choice that will remind me everyday that loyalty is stronger than success, fame and fortune.

Fourth Grade - pt 1 Life Lesson Running Towards Love

Entering into the fourth grade I was completely "in love." I had been "going out" with the same girl for most of the third grade and even over the summer! It was destiny. We passed notes in class and hung out during all the recess time. We were inseparable. We even started talking on the phone. I remember calling her and talking on our cordless phone, which was a big deal in those days. Her phone number and mine were really close to each other and I can still remember hers to this day. It's strange, but I think because it was so close to my phone number that's why it stuck all these years.

For this particular blog entry, I want to talk about a specific event that happened on a regular day in the fourth grade. It was seat changing day. It was the day that each kid took their belongings from their desk and lined up in the back of the room to select a new desk. It was one of those days that every fourth grader lived for. It was soon off to the races for our new seats. I remember wanting to make certain I sat next to Annie. I saw her put her stuff down and then boom, right next to her I slammed my belongings down. At nearly the same instance Mindy slammed her books down. It was a tie. Who would sit next to Annie? There was only one way to solve the problem, and it was our teacher, Miss Finch.

What would she decide? Who I be banished to the back row? Would I get to sit next to the love of my life? It was all too much for this fourth grade kid to handle. I was anxious and nervous. All kinds of emotions were running through my body.

She made her decision. I would be able to sit in the seat next to Annie until the next seat changing day! Yay! I am victorious. It was a great feeling being victorious. I could easily pass notes, help with math, and receive help for spelling. Mindy was unhappy, but only for a few days. Soon she was over it, I think. She may still hold a grudge!

I just know that when you are in love, you got yo run to it. Don't run away from it. Don't be scared of it. I don't think I got the concept back in the day, but I get it now. It's strange to look back at the lessons and go wow, I learned that in the fourth grade! There are more lessons from the fourth grade, but those are for another day!