Fourth Grade - pt 4 Life Lesson Stupid Things We Do For Love

I really can't believe I haven't shared this story yet. This is quite embarrassing, but it has to be shared! I have been telling stories to people the past few weeks, and this one came to mind. It is a true representation of what kind of kid I was and what kind of mind I had.

For some reason my brother and I were at our babysitter's house. I can't recall if it was afternoon or evening, but I remember it as if it was daytime. It would be odd for us to be at our babysitter's house in the daytime, but somehow I believe that was the case. Now an even odder thing was that my girlfriend and her little brother were both at the same babysitter's house. It was a fluke, but it happened. I will say as a side note, Bobbi and Dave were amazing people and I so loved being at their house. Bobbi would crochet and Dave would usually watch TV, but they were the sweetest couple in the world!

While we were hanging out at their house, Annie and I sat on the couch. Her brother and mine just eyeballing us. Being goofy kids we were singing and bouncing and just plain having fun. It was just your typical hanging out just chilling. They had no toys or much to entertain us at their house, so we just made stuff up. I'm sure we played card games and board games to pass the time.

Well, I needed to go to the restroom and decided to take the opportunity. Bobbi and Dave had a bathroom between two little bedrooms and I went in and latched the two doors. I proceeded to take a leak and then flushed and was washing my hands. When on the counter was a bottle of old spice aftershave. Now, this was before Home Alone, so I saw it, knew what it was and was ready to use this to freshen up my smell.

I took two big splashes on my hands and smacked them around as I had seen my dad do when he was shaving. As I looked in the mirror, I made a decision. I decided that I should not put this on my face, but on my gonadular region. I still have no clue on why this made sense at the time, but it is what I did. I took both hands and rubbed them on my junk and sack. I felt a sense of accomplishment, like I was a big kid or an adult as I used this aftershave. It lasted for about ten seconds as the absolute worst sensation built up in my nether regions. It was as if a forest fire was waged in my pants and and intense burn was traveling around my balls. I was in pain. I was dancing around in the bathroom in my underwear with my shorts around my ankles and I had no clue what to do! I couldn't think. It was instinct. I dropped my drawers and started splashing water on my junk. Water puts out fire this will be great...the sensation died down...but have you ever put water over an alcohol based product? Yeah it helps for about fifteen seconds then you get the cool breeze and the burn together. So now I have a tingling sensation to go along with the burn. I've got tears running down my eyes and I am still dancing with my drawers and shorts around my ankles. I finally get a towel and start rubbing and patting the area dry. This begins to help a little. The pain is not subsiding. Every time I jump around more air catches my package and creates the breeze and burn.

Finally, I just pull up my pants and suck it up. I go to the living room, sit on the couch and start bouncing around. I can't believe I didn't pass out. I remember everyone asking what was wrong and I just told them I was on fire. Then I started singing "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. I sang that a few times and after about thirty to forty minutes, the pain had subsided enough that I could sit still.

I will never forget this day. For some reason, I decided my junk needed to smell nice. And to do this, I needed to place Old Spice Aftershave on my precious. This was a wrong move, one of many throughout my life. This one will always be remembered as the stupid things we do for love.

I hope you got a giggle out of my pain!

Fourth Grade - pt 3 Life Lesson Understanding Attraction

I will tell you one thing, I had the biggest crush on my fourth grade teacher! Woo boy, I sure did. She had student taught while I was in the third grade, and was hired as a full time teacher when I was in fourth grade. She even was assigned to fifth grade the next year, and I had her two years in a row! It was destiny!

Of course, I knew it was impossible, but what I realize now is what things I learned from her about what I am attracted to. She was a confident and strong woman. She was generally happy, and had a warm presence about her. I know I always enjoyed being around her and I took every opportunity I could. I was of course a little suck up, which is why I am sure I got to sit next to Annie in her class.

Miss French was just amazing. She was a great listener and a great teacher. However, it is her strong personality and her jovial spirit that I will credit her with that has been added to my attraction list.

Because of my infatuation with my teacher, I realize the importance of these traits to me. It seems that most women I have dated have had that strong personality and were at least pretty jovial around me (my friends may say different around them!). It's weird, I would have attributed that to other women later in life, but since writing this blog, I certainly know where it came from.

I am sure it was the fact that she was just out of college. She was a bit cocky, and she followed the same kids for three years. It was a recipe for success that she accepted and embraced.

I think that she carried herself with a confidence that made her more attractive. It could be that most of my teachers when I was in school were older, and because she was fresh out of college, that made her more attractive. Not sure, just know that she was, and I enjoyed being around her. I still do. If you are out there reading this blog Miss French...please know I have always thought you were sexy and attractive!

Fourth Grade - pt 2 Life Lesson Don't Let It Go To Your Head

I was for sure interested in the same girl from third through fifth grade. Annie was really my first long term, for sure, no doubt about it, girlfriend. We were at each other's birthday parties, hanging out on recess, and flirting at lunch. However, there were a few distractions for me during fourth grade. One you might remember, Marti the other was Kandace. It was the third and fourth grade's turn to do the Christmas play at school. I was trying out for all the parts. I usually got stuck as a narrator, because I could memorize long parts. This time, I wanted a lead roll!

I tried out for Santa, but didn't get it. I was too short. I thought I did well, but it could be that I stuck the landing on Santa's Helper...Hughie, the fat elf. I remember standing on stage with all the other kids from the two grades and trying out. Most of you won't believe this, but I was a bit of a ham. I craved attention, and was usually the class clown. I decided I really needed to land this part. So when I read the lines, I used my cute high pitched elf voice. It was perfect! They loved it. I had a major roll! I was the elf that sneaked Twinkies into the weight watchers clinic for Santa and helped bust him out.

Now, I had a huge crush on the head exercise trainer, actually a couple of the trainers, but especially the head trainer. I had now found stardom and was getting to hang out with the cool kids. How far would this take me? I also had the flirty Marti that I had a duet with at the end of the play. What would I do? Would I use my new found popularity to break the heart of Annie?

Well, as much as I flirted with Kandace and Marti, I never made a move. I was loyal and faithful to my one true love. I could not even bring myself to do more than the normal flirty banter that kids don't even realize they do. I was hooked, hooked on Annie.

I have realized though how fame and fortune can destroy a man. Success is a dangerous thing, and it can tare you up. It breaks up relationships, love, friendship, and families. It hardens your heart and destroys you a little bit at a time. I admire those folks who can keep it together and have success. I held strong and made a choice that will remind me everyday that loyalty is stronger than success, fame and fortune.

Fourth Grade - pt 1 Life Lesson Running Towards Love

Entering into the fourth grade I was completely "in love." I had been "going out" with the same girl for most of the third grade and even over the summer! It was destiny. We passed notes in class and hung out during all the recess time. We were inseparable. We even started talking on the phone. I remember calling her and talking on our cordless phone, which was a big deal in those days. Her phone number and mine were really close to each other and I can still remember hers to this day. It's strange, but I think because it was so close to my phone number that's why it stuck all these years.

For this particular blog entry, I want to talk about a specific event that happened on a regular day in the fourth grade. It was seat changing day. It was the day that each kid took their belongings from their desk and lined up in the back of the room to select a new desk. It was one of those days that every fourth grader lived for. It was soon off to the races for our new seats. I remember wanting to make certain I sat next to Annie. I saw her put her stuff down and then boom, right next to her I slammed my belongings down. At nearly the same instance Mindy slammed her books down. It was a tie. Who would sit next to Annie? There was only one way to solve the problem, and it was our teacher, Miss Finch.

What would she decide? Who I be banished to the back row? Would I get to sit next to the love of my life? It was all too much for this fourth grade kid to handle. I was anxious and nervous. All kinds of emotions were running through my body.

She made her decision. I would be able to sit in the seat next to Annie until the next seat changing day! Yay! I am victorious. It was a great feeling being victorious. I could easily pass notes, help with math, and receive help for spelling. Mindy was unhappy, but only for a few days. Soon she was over it, I think. She may still hold a grudge!

I just know that when you are in love, you got yo run to it. Don't run away from it. Don't be scared of it. I don't think I got the concept back in the day, but I get it now. It's strange to look back at the lessons and go wow, I learned that in the fourth grade! There are more lessons from the fourth grade, but those are for another day!

Third Grade pt 4 - Life Lesson Girl's Wear Bra's

I am wrapping up the third grade tonight with a post about a girl that would come in and out of my life several times. We were always friends, we flirted for a while, and we even went on a date or two. We grew up close to each other and spent a great amount of free time with each other. She was a year younger than me and I was good buddies with her brother who was a couple years older than me. It seems that even when I would go hang with her brother, her and I would tend to hang out.

There are a couple stories I want to talk about with Marti. First let's talk about playing house. There was a big junk yard near our house and we loved to explore it. One of our favorite things o do was to dig in the old cars and find cool things and bring them to our hideout (she called it our house, but it was a hideout to me). It was either a large dumpster or an old storm shelter that wasn't buried. It could have been something else, but that gives you an idea. It had a ladder that went down into it. It was stinking cool! I remember we had a table and chairs, rope, old bottles, magazines, and other random toys and junk we had collected. I would make her explore and she would make me play house. It was an even trade off I suppose. It worked for us.

The second story I would like to share is when I realized that girls were different that boys. I went over to her house one day and she was very excited to see me. Her mom was in the living room and I had actually stopped by to see her brother. She came running out in her Wonder Woman training bra. She was so excited to show me her new wardrobe, neither of us knew how awkward this situation should have been. Her mother freaked out just a bit. I think this is when I realized that maybe she wasn't supposed to show me. I think sometimes kids pick up on these social clues, other times maybe not. I certainly did, became quite embarrassed, but soon moved on to go shoot my BB Gun with her brother.

I imagine it was just a simple crush that she had on her brother's friend. That playful flirting carried its way into high school and even after we both graduated. We never clicked, but somehow enjoyed the playful flirtations. The next time she enters my dating life, you will get a kick out that story.

I hope you have enjoyed the third grade. It was memorable. I remember dissecting bees in class (this was on my own time, not a class project), getting mad at my teacher for using my bottle of glue, the spelling bees, making the kazoo sound like a saxophone and Where's the Beef Lady for Halloween (my first cross dressing experience). Eventful little life I had in the third grade.

Third Grade pt 3 - Life Lesson The First Kiss

I'm going to wrap up the third grade story of Annie today. I think back to these events and how they shaped me. I honestly giggle when I think about them. I will talk about my first kiss and seven minutes in heaven in this blog.

Okay...seven minutes in heaven...a little game that we played when I was in third grade at Annie's birthday party. My friend Mark helped set this up and it's probably one of the only things he ever helped me out with (probably the only thing he helped me with). Of course after presents (I got her a heart necklace) and cake we kids were playing around. This landed us in her bedroom, I believe there were about seven or eight of us, maybe more. We were just being goofy kids. I remember she had a Chicago poster on the wall and I thought it was cool, because I loved the Chicago Cubs (this was the band Chicago, which I would learn about later in life). All of the sudden my friend Mark whispers a question to me about playing seven minutes in heaven with Annie. I didn't know what this was so he explained it. It's where you get locked in the closet with a girl and you stay in there with her for seven minutes. I was game...he asked who I wanted to be in there with...Annie...duh!

So, Annie and I get razzed by our peers and off we go to the closet. She had a huge walk-in closet and it was well organized. All of the sudden it was quiet and I was aware of the fact it was just us. There were oohs and ahs from outside the closet, and the occasional heckling. I didn't let that phase me. I really have no clue how long we were in the closet, but I know I wanted it to last forever. It's weird, we just talked and looked at her board games and she showed me her shoes and dresses. It was all very innocent, and I didn't quite understand the concept of the game (maybe this is why I never played this game again), however it was so great to spend that time with her...just me...just her...

I remember being one of the last kids to be picked up from her house that day. It was a good day, a really good day.

So you all thought that my first kiss was during this game. It actually came weeks later on the playground during morning recess. I had chased the girls (but singled out Annie of course) and we were just hanging out by the dome shaped monkey bar thing that was at the edge of the parking lot (remember we had a playground in the parking lot). It was about time for the bell to sound and get lined up to go back to class. I had finally gotten up the nerve to kiss her (I had been holding her hand for weeks). I leaned over and kissed her on the lips. Her reaction is priceless now, but was not what I expected when I was nine years old. She said yuck, spit and ran away. I still remember how funny she ran, I think mostly because she had these awkward long legs. I was heartbroken, my world was devastated. How could I face her and my friends after this? Well, the next day we were holding hands on recess and she reached over and kissed me on the cheek.

My first kiss...nothing grotesque...all so innocent and cute. I know you were hoping for something juicy...those stories are later...

Third Grade pt 2 - Life Lesson Let Her Win

Annie...I often wonder if anyone else thinks back to their first car date. It was special, who else took their mom with them on their first date? She was our chauffeur. We drove around in the light blue Buick after Annie was dropped off at my house. We then headed to Gary Don's Pizza Parlor, which had absolutely the best pizza I have ever eaten...wish it was still in operation.

When we got to the pizza place, Annie and I sat at a booth, while my mom and brother and her mom and brother sat at a table. It was an extremely romantic meal of pepperoni pizza and cokes. I'm not sure what we talked about, because I was mesmerized by her beauty (this kind of stuff still happens today, if I am talking to you and lose my train of thought, it's because you are beautiful). Soon we finished out meal, got made fun of my Gary Don, and headed off to the rest of our date.

When we got back to my house we plopped down on the couch and watched Ghostbusters. Mom brought us some popcorn and kool-aid and we enjoyed the movie (and my annoying little brother). Soon after the movie ended boredom set in. She suggested we play a game called, "who has the boneist butt." Now, this was an innocent game, where one person sat on the other's lap and the wiggled their butt into the other's legs. Whoever could stand it the least, was the looser and the other person was deemed boneist butt. Now looking back, this game could be taken out of context. This purely was innocent, I swear. I went first and she timed me. Then I went. I knew I liked this girl, so I let her win. I mean come on...isn't that what you're supposed to do?

On the ride home I remember talking about her hairy legs. I was fascinated, because I had no hair on my legs (I still don't have hairy legs). She told me that her mom wouldn't let her shave her legs until she was older (I had no clue women shaved their legs at this point). We made it to her house and I walked her to her door. I was (and still am) a big gentleman, I gave her a big hug (I don't kiss on the first date, gotta keep them wanting more, duh) and said good night. It was an amazing day with the girl of my dreams; dinner, movie, games, and a goodnight hug.

It still makes for a great date these days. Good pizza, great classic movie, conversation, and a goodnight hug. It's strange how constant some things stay in life.